Marriage is a Covenant

Did you know that as you fight for your marriage, you're fighting for every child, every descendant that will come from your marriage in the future? So you're not just fighting for your current relationship, you're fighting for generations to come, and we're gonna talk about that today. Hello everyone, this is Lionel. Welcome to the Words for Change podcast. We talk about faith in marriage today. Such an interesting conversation. Why? Because 7% of people today either are going toward a divorce, have already considered divorce, or are practicing habits in behaviors that are leading them toward divorce. Now here's something I wanna lay out on the table right before we get started that the purpose of this episode is not to answer all questions as it relates to the complications that happen within the confines of a marriage. We're not talking about abuse in marriage. We're not talking about mental health struggles in marriage. We're not talking about any of those particular subject matters, but what we're trying to deal with today is how do couples view the marriage relationship, what makes the marriage relationship important and what is the sticking factor that calls people to stay in relationships together? Listen, many of you know that relationships are tough. If you're married, you know that marriage is tough as well, and it takes a lot for a person to actually get in a marriage relationship and get through that relationship successfully or at least have a long-term relationship. And those are some of you who are listening to me right now. If you're listening to this podcast because it's actually an audio podcast but we just hit press play on the video just to have that there but if you listen to this podcast, you may have struggles with your marriage. You may be going through a tough time in your relationship right now and you're making decisions that you're going to end that relationship. So I just wanna challenge you that, before you make that decision, not only do I want you to listen to this episode I'm assuming that's why you locked into the episode and that's why you are listening now on your favorite podcast audio platform but I want you to consider getting help, consider getting counseling. Matter of fact, I'm not saying this as a professional counselor, I'm not putting that out there, but this is my opinion from a biblical perspective and a Christian point of view. So let's first off start by talking about marriage as a covenant, not as a contract, that two people, when you decide to get married, you're not deciding to enter into simply a state contract, but that marriage has significant more important than the benefits that comes from being or the social benefits that is, that comes from being in a marriage relationship with another person. Right, that's important for us to understand in order to get in the right mental disposition about what marriage is. Okay, that marriage is number one, a covenant, not a contract. And in the scriptures right, I'll give an example, for, by way of example, ephesians 525 says this about marriage. Now, this is a biblical perspective, okay, it says this that husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church. And what he's saying in that text is that there's something foundational to marriage that we must consider. If you are part of the Christian faith, that there's a foundational principle that you need to understand about marriage, and that is number one. It is based on love, and we're gonna get into that a little bit more. But what kind of love? I'm gonna explain that. And that love is self-sacrificial love. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, one of the theologians during the Nazi Germany period, wrote a letter from prison to his nephew and niece, to his nephew, who was getting married. And here's what he said to his nephew he said that now, in this marriage relationship, it is not love that sustains the marriage. But now, marriage watch this that confines a marriage sustains love. In other words, in this statement, what he's saying is that love is not just a feeling, but he's suggesting that it is a framework that nurtures love. Marriage is a framework that nurtures love. Now, what does that mean? That means that when you and I see marriage not just as a contract but a covenant, that when we enter into if you think about marriage as a house, right, when you enter into that house, there are walls that are set up in that house that define the boundaries of when you're in that house and outside of that house. So what Bonhoeffer is saying profoundly is that now that you're in the marriage relationship, it's now marriage in that institutional sense. In that house, you're going to learn how to practice love. Right, critically important for us to think about Now when we think about marriage. Marriage, these principles of marriage are not just profound within the confines of Christian marriage, but here's what? Here's some belief systems in Islam and in Hinduism that draw similar parallels. In Islam, marriage is considered half of one's faith. The prophet Muhammad said when a person married, he or she fulfills half their religion. In Hinduism, marriage is considered a sacred duty and watch this a social obligation. The dharma means that marriage is a social obligation and it is pivotal for this reason alone that the happiness of couples should also have create good, positive outcomes in society as well. Aristotle talked about this in his ethics. He talked about how marriage is a different kind of friendship, that the highest form of being is that one's based in goodness. Aristotle said he speaks about the different kind of friendship within with. Aristotle talks about the highest form of friendship and what he says is that it is based on each person's ability to help the other person strive toward virtue. So when you look at Hinduism, islam and even traditional Aristotle in ethics, what we see here is that marriage is not just about a feeling, but their actual, factual things that you are not. It must do in order to see marriage as a successful institution. So this is not marriage in Disneyland, but this is marriage in real life, is what we are talking about here today. So what Aristotle is saying is that two people come together, not just in love, but for mutual benefit, to help each other grow in virtue right. So that's important for us to consider as well. This is how virtue is learning, what it is necessary to be the best version of yourselves. That listen, that the responsibility of you and your spouse is to help each other move toward the best version of yourself. So what does that mean? If you're significant others struggling understanding their value in life, your job is to help facilitate that individual reaching their better selves or defining becoming the best version of themselves. Helping to define value, not that simply what's right and wrong, but more so on what's important to you, what matters to you and how can, when you show up as your best self is when the application of these virtues are in full functioning in your life. Okay, so now we've covered two things so far. One we've talked about some virtues within marriage, how the marriage relationship helps create virtue. We've also talked about how Aristotle right. We've also talked about how marriage is a covenant, not a contract, which is vitally important. Now I want to talk about Christian theology, right? This is important because many people who consider themselves Christian and jump into a marriage relationship has certain presuppositions that they've learned through their Christian faith. That helps define who they are. That helps define their marriage relationship, how they perceive it and how they move forward in that relationship. Vitally, vitally important. So the emotional, the physical, the spiritual aspects of marriage relationship. Number one, then, is that marriage relationship is a covenant before God. Right Now. I'm not just saying these things because they're in the Bible, and I'm not saying these things without sensitivity to the complications that people go through in life. But the goal of this episode for those who are listening and those who may be watching on YouTube is that you understand that there are tools available that you and I must use in order to help our relationship go forward. Listen, no one who gets married desires to get divorced. No one does. I assume I'm making an assumption here, but that most people, when they get married, they are getting married because they want to be with the person they're with lifelong. Now that is the case, then to me, that suggests that there are, there are tools that you can use to help you fight for your relationship. There are tools that you can use to help grow your relationship, to have grow your relationship and how you function and live with other people. Okay, so when we talk about marriage in Christian virtue, right, we talk about marriage as a relationship and how Christian theology speaks to it In the scripture verse, where it talks about marriage as a covenant. We talked about that. But number two, marriage is not based on feelings, but it's based on love. Now, this is critically important, because what kind of love are we talking about? Well, marriage in the Christian theology is based on self-sacrificial love. That was demonstrated by Christ. And what did Christ do when Christ died on the cross? What he's saying, what he's suggesting and what the text in the Bible is suggesting that love is not a feeling, it's an action. There are actionable steps that you must go through in order to demonstrate not just talk about, but to demonstrate your love. And so, when Christ died on the cross, what he was saying is that I love you so much that I'm willing to give my very life to demonstrate how much I love you. This is self-sacrificial love. Genesis 2.24 says a man will leave his father and mother. Likewise, a woman, in this case, will leave her father and mother and they will cleave together in a marriage relationship. Right? In other words, there is no longer you over here and me over here, but now we are one. So what affects you directly affects me indirectly. The decisions I make affect you as well. This is what the text is suggesting. This is what it is saying to us right that love is self-sacrificial and is demonstrated by Christ giving of himself. So what's the opposite of giving of yourself? That's selfishness, considering. I remember talking to a couple one time and counseling them, and they were arguing about who opened a box of cereal. And when you open a box, don't use all of my cereal right Now. To be. That's comical, but it also says something profound underneath the surface. It suggests that the couple had gotten so petty with each other that they would argue about cereal, something that's here today and gone within seconds. So there was no such thing. Brother, if you can't even sacrifice a bowl of cereal for your relationship, for your significant other, then you are living for yourself. And listen, if you just want to live for yourself, live for yourself, and that a fact I will suggest. If you want to be an individual, don't get married. If you decide, if you make up in your mind that you want to be an individual, that you want to do things the way you want to do it and you do not want to have accountability to your significant other, then don't get married. There's nothing wrong with not getting married. There are many people in Scripture who never got married. There are eunuchs in the Bible, for instance, people who gave themselves to their career or to their job or profession instead of getting married. But if you decide to get married, what you are essentially saying is that you are going to give yourself, like Christ gave himself for the sake of another person, that you're willing to sacrifice, that you're willing to endure pain, that you're willing to go through all of the complications of betterful words. Richer for poor. This is what these words mean. That means that you can go through changes in the body, that you can go through physical appearance changes, that you go through financial struggles together, that you go through a health struggle together, that when there's an identity crisis with one of their partners in marriage, that you're not just going to leave the person out by themselves high and dry, but that you're willing to walk with that person through that complicated life situation. In other words, you're willing to love unconditionally. You're willing to love unconditionally and you're willing to love self-sacrificially. This is what it means when it says that the two shall be one, that what affects one Equally affects the other as well. So this is important for us to understand the purpose of commitment, and it causes us to reflect on what does it mean To be a human being. Right? We talked about the virtue that that marriage not only Watch. This is not for just procreation, even though that's a benefit. It's not for Sex, even though that is a benefit, no, but it is also a process of shaping you as an individual and watch this Teaching you how to become more humane, and to me, that talks about and suggests that one of the reasons why people you, you can't watch people in Hollywood right now. Right now, we are not judging people in that position because I don't know what they go through. I'm sure it's a tough Situation to be in in that world and try to maintain a marriage relationship, as it is for anyone in this case, but when we're talking about self-sacrificing, when two people come together, they have to understand that there are things that you're gonna have to give up for the sake of the other person, and this what this is what makes a relationship and this is what this is how Christianity Reviews and understands the marriage relationship. Alright, so let's talk about Another, another Christian virtue practice here, right? It teaches us, then, that love is not something that we talk about. Love is something that we do. Right, that when we live in a deeper pursuit of these kinds of virtues In a relationship that we seek to align our actions together with the actions of that like of Christ who gave or self-sacrificing Himself. We're understanding, then, that marriage is not just a contract, a contract, that marriage is not just a covenant but it is a vocation, it's a calling that, when you decide to give yourself to another person, this is A calling, is something that you must work on every single day. I'll be the first person to be honest and tell you this has been a struggle. This has been a struggle for me for years. Why? Because I am inherently selfish. I am inherently selfish I don't like to admit it, but I just did and that means that I have to get outside of myself and outside of my own mind and look at the other people around me and consider their needs greater than my own. Right, I remember I'm reminded of a couple who they were going through a tough time and the wife says that sit, I'm done. And she ran and grabbed her bags and she began loading her bags. And she was packing her bags, she went into the closet, pack her bags and then the husband didn't know what to do. So he ran into the closet and he begins packing his bags as well. And the wife looked at him and said what are you doing? And he said I don't know about you, but if you're leaving, I'm leaving too. Where you go, I'm going. You're not leaving me out here by myself. I'm going to fight for this marriage, right. So a vocation, then, means that we must work toward it, that we must work toward developing these virtues, that we must work toward developing our faith, that we must work toward developing our relationship Right now. So marriage involves watch this now marriage involves serving each other, serving families, serving communities, giving of yourself to each other. What does that look like? I want to invite you to reflect upon that. Reflect upon what does it look like for you to give yourself to another person, to give yourself Right in service to the other person? Now, I understand that there there are some contemporary issues around this concept. It's not meant to be exhaustive, but what I'm hoping to do is to give you another perspective of how to look at your marriage relationship Right. That's that's critically important here. So I said a lot, but let me give you some practical applications for you to think about Self-giving, friendship and commitment. Okay, so real-life, practical applications for you to consider. Number one you have to develop, I have to develop a relationship that is based on friendship, and friendship is simply a care for the other person that's next to you, that you have many things in common outside of sexual pleasure. But if your relationship is based solely on the physical, then when you cannot function physically, sexually anymore, then what else is there for? So, in other words, friendship is also based on things that you have in common. So what do you like to do together? What hobbies can you do? Perhaps, if you don't consider going out on date nights, if you can Going to a movie, then maybe parasailing, or maybe going for a run, or going for a hike, or riding race cars, trying different things as your budget will allow you, in order to develop that friendship. You say, well, we don't have friendship now. Well, are you willing to develop that friendship? Okay, commitment. Number two commitment. Commitment says that the other person need to know that you won't leave them when things get hard. So what does that mean? Commitment means that you're in this together for the long haul. It means that you're willing to go through hardship, financial hardship, in order to see this relationship through. So commitment means doing something for the other person that makes life easier for them. If that's paying bills, participating in cleaning the house, participating in ensuring that the safety net that you've built is being worked on and taken care of by each person, so that means cutting the grass, all things. Cutting the grass, buying things, making sacrifices for the other person. It may be a little too much for you, but if you can make this sacrifice, you're really saying that. Listen, I am committed to this relationship, but that's based on love language, right? Some people and matter of fact, I'll put a link in the bio for you to read a book called the Five Love Language by Gary Chapman, highly recommended. It is a profound book, very practical book that has been used for many years to help couples understand each other's love language. I highly recommend it. And then I want to encourage you to serve together. Serving together is teaching you the virtue of self-giving, and self-giving is going out and serving homeless. Going out and providing food for people, providing mentorship for kids who need it. Doing these things together right. Doing things for your partner right. That shows him or her that you are committed. When you're able to do those things together, it makes the marriage even better and it makes the marriage even stronger. So we've covered a lot today, but initially it is important that you understand that marriage is a covenant. It's more than a contract. It's more than the tax breaks you can get from being married. But, before God, what's going to save our marriages in this world today and save our relationships when we begin to see marriage as a covenant and that means that we live for each other? We're willing to give self-sacrificially on behalf of the other person. We're willing to let the other person help mold and shape our virtue ethics. We're willing to give up individuality, not identity.